I dreamt of a fever, one that would cure me of this cold winter-set heart.
With heat to melt these frozen tears, burned with reasons as to carry on.
Into these twisted months I plunge without a light to follow,
but I swear that I would follow anything, just get me out of here.
But you get six months to adapt
And you get two more to leave town
And in the event that you do adapt
We still might not want you around

But I fell for the promise of a life with a purpose,
but I know that that's impossible now.
And so I drink to stay warm, and to kill selected memories,
because I just can't think anymore about that or about her tonight.

But I give myself three days to feel better,
or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff.
Because if I can't learn to make myself feel better,
how can I expect anyone else to give a shit?

And I scream for the sunlight, or a car to take me anywhere.
Just get me past this dead and eternal snow.
Cause I swear that I'm dying, slowly but it's happening,
and if the perfect spring is waiting somewhere,
just take me there, just take me there, just take me there.

Lie to me and say it's gonna be all right
It's gonna be all right
It's gonna be all right.


i did some pretty stupid things in the past. but i think last night topped off all of them.
i still feel pretty drowsy and dizzy. sometimes i just don't know what to do, when something hits me right between the eyes. i have no idea how to take it. i try to find that certain path where it won't end up taking me the long sad way, no matter how much i think about it, i always end up there.
i'm gonna admit this to everyone. i am an attention whore. i love attention from people, it makes me feel good..i don't know if that's a good thing really, but whether it is or isn't, it doesn't affect me.

Not a day goes by that i don't think of towson. my family up there, god. my family. well, my so-called family. were theoritically in my mind, not a family, but a constant fued. my dad and my stepmom think there is so much wrong with me. they were going to send me to mental facility. my stepmom thought i would strangle her stepdaughter cause i wanted more of her attention. now now, i don't kill or strangle people,i don't care if i got payed the largest amount of money, i don't do that. and she should know better then to accuse me. my stepmom said she would divorce my dad if i moved back into that house. my dad doesn't love me nor my stepmom. my brother still lives in the ugly dungeon, he's soon moving out and i'm happy for him, i wouldn't want to stay there. i wake up everymorning and stare at my ceiling thinking why me? what did i do to deserve all of this? why can't my dad be mature about this? what is so wrong with me that they want me down here again? i can't tell you how many times i ask myself that. i've never been so sad in my life, that day, sitting in the car. my eyes glancing out the car window at that sign "you are now leaving towson" i know i would be leaving towson forever. My dad doesn't understand me, i wish he could be in my shoes, for a day, even for 5 whole minutes. wishing and wishing for all these things to happen won't change it. sure, everyone can wish all day for things, but you can get off your ass and go make it happen, but as for me, i can't do that..nothing and i mean nothing will change my dad's mind. not the letters, not the tears, not the screaming fights we have. Maybe when he's old and gray he'll realize how much he hurt me, but i would doubt that too. he hurt my mom too, he told my therapist up in towson that she did drugs and that she had an affair while they were married. never. that's not my mom, she wouldn't do that. i know her. Maybe my dad and stepmom are right, maybe my mom and i and my stepdad, and my brother are just all insane, and we need help, cause were not what they define as "normal". but god, i want to go home. i would give anything to go home. to see chelsea, arielle, ben, kris, ally, kate, allie, alexa, greg, jp, adam. anybody, just to see them would make my day by all means.


i'm sorry this is so long.....
there could be more, but i think i prefer writing it in my own journal.

i love you all, i love you all.........